My Word For 2017

I don't know how long this "Word of the Year" thing has been a thing but I've seen a lot of it lately. I didn't set out to come up with one, but I think one found me.

You know that gentle tug that happens when you need to grasp something? Or maybe it's a sucker punch to the face? I've had both. Lately I've had little nudges calling me towards a word - a concept. I've just noticed a need to invite a new process in. I am sure this is nothing new - it's a long time needed thing. It is reoccurring. Are you ready for it? It's a radical concept -

Gentleness

mild in temperament or behavior; kind or tender.



I know, your mind is blown.

I am still flushing this out but I know it is popping up for a reason and I know it will play out consistently in unique ways this year.

Learning to be:
Gentle with myself
Gentle with my husband
Gentle with my expectations

If you know me you probably know I am not the most "gentle" of humans. I get fired up about things, I feel passionately, I don't like to filter my words and I want justice to be had. I am hyper self aware and have always expected much of myself (and therefor others). My poor husband. I like my passionate, move to action spirit but I think a little balance is needed.


So yeah, G E N T L E N E S S.

It arrived and it's here to stay.

I bought a new devotional and the first day I opened to was about fun, free spirit, joy. Those things quickly diminish when there is something to resolve, something to do, a need for responsibility. Read: dishes before couch cuddles, conflict conversations before chatting about our days, lingering in hurt before forgiving.

So there it is. A few reasons I know the concept of gentle is a needed one.

Do you have a word for yourself?  

Are you gentle? Tell me your ways! 

Anyone else feel like Gentleness is their word?

 

Real Talk Tuesday: You need to get out of town.

Actually, you don't have to leave. But you gotta take time off. All of us. Well, most of us.

Did you know 40% of Americans didn't take a single day off last year? I don't mean they worked 7 days a week. I mean they didn't take a single vacation day off from their normal work week. Not one! I can't even imagine functioning all year like that but yet, it happens.

We work more than ever.
We take on more than ever.
We commit to as many extras as possible.
And we get away less than ever.

And yet so often we feel like we're still not enough (linked to not doing enough).

Huh?

Vacation time needs to make a comeback. 

You know what vacation does for you?

• presses pause & reset
• gives your mind (and soul) the space to rest
• unchains you from that desk/office/computer/phone/laundry pile
• creates space for fun
• connects you with your family/friends/self (whoever you vacay with)
• allows space to reflect, evaluate, pay attention and adjust life rhythms
• refreshes you to return to life and work

None of that is scientifically proven. Those are all my own statements. But I am pretty sure they are all true. I know they are for me.

I don't think 'Vacation' means two weeks in Hawaii. Vacation is whatever you want it to be. An extended trip to the local Embassy Suites (I love their breakfast), a road trip, a spunky Airbnb stay, a state/country you've never been too, your favorite city to explore, etc.

Life needs a rhythm of multiple types of 'Vacations' (aside from a weekly day off of work).

1.  They Day trip:
   Solo adventure? A quick getaway with your favorite travel buddy? A long day in a hammock at the park with a picnic? What is refreshing to you? Carve out a day (or half a day) every month to do that thing!
2. The weekend away:
   1-3 nights. Maybe it is right down the street. Maybe it's a couple hours drive to a nearby destination. Maybe it is camping in the backyard. Maybe it is a staycation with a trip to the nail salon, the pool and some delicious restaurants nearby. Whatever it is, a few of these are crucial - like 1 per quarter! This doesn't have to be costly - get creative! You gotta plan for it or it'll probably never happen!
3. VACAY!
   A week? Two weeks? Different seasons of life come with different margins. I can't say what is possible or good for you but I will say, "Take a vacation." Use that paid time off, save up, plan ahead. Life is full and busy. We need to press pause on all our 'stuff' and enjoy space. And we need an extended time for this. Time to decompress. Time to forget about emails. Time to slow our minds down. Time to simply be. Time to enjoy something new. 

We're not awesome at a lot of things in life/marriage but we've been pretty good about time away. We love the mountains so that encourages time away. We love visiting friends who live out of town. We love camping. And we've also created intentional rhythms that allow time away. We've save monthly for adventures. We sacrifice budget that could go to other areas so we can splurge a little. We look ahead and put adventures on the calendar. Maybe you'd rather stay home... awesome! Plan some intentional weekends.

Anyway, we've never taken a summer vacation. We've taken a spring road trip, a few 2 week trips to Kenya and some weekend trips but this summer we are taking a two week vacation! WHAT? I am pumped. Charles is SO pumped. We need this. We're longing for this. We've planned for this. We're saving for this. Sure, we'll take a blow from it (I won't get paid while we're away). But it'll be worth it.  I can't wait.

I already feel a little nervous. Nervous about not working. Nervous about not updating my business' social media. Nervous about disconnecting. All the reasons why we need this. This is fun but this is also a discipline that life needs. As a society, we're always connected, doing, responding, available. And we need some time to not be.

Other pros of vacation (from my perspective):

• Memory making. Stuff to look back on. Stuff to pass onto future generations. Stuff that makes life richer.
• Meeting new people. I love meeting/observing people in new cities/places. It is fun and fascinating. 
• Food. Coffee. Beer. We will always be looking for tasty new local spots, delicious craft coffee and local breweries. 
• Nature. Places to hike, swim, take beautiful photos, soak up beauty.
• Rest. Naps, laying out (yes, even me), sleeping in.
• Not working.

Ok... So, tell me!
How do you vacation? How do you press reset?
What's the best vacation you've ever taken?
Are you good at this or does this area need some work?

GET OUT THERE.


 

I'll be legit when _________ (fill in the blank).

Hi, I'm Phylicia.

I am a believer in people.
I am a photographer.
I am a leader.
I am an advocate for the unnoticed.

This isn't about how great I am.
It is actually quite the opposite.

I doubt the above, all the time.

I am hard on myself.
I doubt my voice.
I don't notice my wins and I sit in my shortcomings.
I let fear win.

Today is Real Talk Tuesday and I am preaching to myself, but I hope you are encouraged.

I was listening to a podcast with Jon Acuff yesterday and he shared a conversation he had with his wife in which she called him out. After the release of his 5th book she asked, "Are you willing to call yourself a writer now?" His response was something along the lines of, "I think after 10 books it will be official."

My husband and I have regular conversations about our struggles of feeling inadequate at what we do. We're both hard on ourselves. I was having one of those nights last night. Plenty of things get in my way... Past roles and leadership challenges, insecurities, comparison, fear, new and unknown, possible failure, etc.

My smart husband said, "Success rarely takes what we thought it would and rarely feels like we think it should."
He's right.
We think:
"Once my kids are ___ age and healthy people, I'll feel like a good mom."
"Once I have ___ sales on my Etsy page, I'll really be a maker."
"Once I grow my ministry to ___ people, I'll feel good about it."
"Once I lose ___ more pounds, I'll be happy."
"Once I take pictures like ____, I'll be legit."
"Once I have a home like ____, I'll be content."
"Once my salary is ____, I'll stop striving."
"Once I have ____ followers, I'll be the real deal."
"Once I am recognized for _____, I'll know I'm enough."

What is it for you?

Are you waiting for someone to validate your role, desire, talent, ideas?

Me too.

But maybe some of these tools can help?

• Write down your wins. Big or small, write 'em. A new inquiry for your business, a sweet moment with your defiant kiddo, a feeling of affirmation, a risk you've taken, etc.
• Write down your goals. Big is awesome but I am a fan of real, too. Write some goals down that you can tackle now. 
• Stop looking left & right. Set limits on social media. Reduce the amount of time you spend watching others "win" and live in your wins. I think we all felt better before we watched how "easy" everyone else has it.
• Define your why. Write it down. Come back to it. It is yours so it shouldn't look just like theirs.

I got this!
You've got this!

So, I'd love to hear... What is a win you've experienced this week?

What you think vs. How I feel.

Alright, it is officially late January and I've yet to blog in 2016. I'm going to sit down and roll with something that has been floating around the back of my mind.

I had this awesome light peachy/orange pullover sweatshirt that had california written in light blue cursive. It was from goodwill and so cozy and cool. I loved it. Until someone I worked with told me it was the ugliest (insert F word) sweatshirt he has seen. I put it away and didn't wear it for years until I realized I loved it and didn't care what he said!
 
Have you ever had that happen with a favorite item in your closet?
Have you ever felt called to something (say a career, a new hobby, going back to school) until someone tells you it wont work or isn't a good idea?
Have you ever wanted something but could only feel good about going for it if someone affirms the notion?
Have you ever been stoked on the used car you just bought until your friend gets a brand new one?

Big or small, maybe you've felt it.
Peer pressure - fear - insecurity - doubt. Call it what you want. It is out there.

I think of overalls. Seriously, I was wearing them in my High School Senior ID photo. They really weren't cool even anymore. But I guess I didn't care. But they are back (I guess) or were or something. And at first everyone is like "Gross, overalls, no way." Until someone really cool wear them, looks great and gets a bunch of positive feedback. And then opinions change. And all of sudden they are mainstream, again.

That is the power of influence.

I have gone through seasons of really not caring about what people think and then the opposite as well. I have prided myself on doing my own thing and not worrying about others. But deep down there is a twinge of concern about what others think. And in my life right now I think there is more than I'd like there to be.

I'd feel better if I could answer people with "I do ______ full time" or "I'm a ________"
instead of, "Well, I am partially ________, picking up _____ again and doing ______."
I'd actually enjoy the balance of my life more if I didn't feel less adequate.
I'd have less thoughts of, "Did I say too much? Was I too bold? Should I have been more_____?"
I'd think less of, "But am I good enough at _______ to really put that passion out there?"
I'd like my naturally curly hair more.
Etc.

Is the weight of what others think (or culture as a whole) influencing what you do, how you live or how you feel? When you have that moment of pursuing a dream, rocking those new jeans or weighing how you feel, don't let the opinions of others (or how you think they would think) be the deciding factor about how you feel.

Of course we all need wisdom and the accountability from those around us is needed. However...

Be YOU.
Be true to where God is calling you.
Be true to where you stand.
Be confident in what you have to offer.
Be content with what He has provided.

This post goes along with some things I have written before (comparison, etc.) but I guess I need to keep learning, and maybe you need to hear it too.

My husband told me he was surprised I bought these pants (since they are a little crazy) because I hate my thighs and don't like drawing attention to them. He has a point. But I wanted something fun to work out in to motivate me. (Bad thigh accentuating angle and all..)

Real Talk Tuesday: There's still time.

How many emails are you getting a day declaring,
"# of days left to order in time for Christmas"
"LAST chance!"
"HURRY, limited time remaining!"?

EVERYDAY the same companies are sending the same emails. These are stressing me out! Granted, I do love to order some custom products online (photobooks, etc.) that take time to receive. I have appreciated the notice at times. But this year it feels out of control. It is beyond reminders and more of a plea...
"CONSUME!"
"Buy me!"
"Panic! Feel the need to buy things because we're telling you that you need to."

I don't know about you, but I remember people finishing their shopping on Christmas Eve. That does stress me out a little. But there has been talk about time running out since the beginning of December. I am guessing this is due to the pre black friday chaotic pressure to consume. Also, there are still 10 days until Christmas. You do indeed have time to shop. But also, you can enjoy these days leading up to Christmas.

I have felt the impending doom of time running out, mostly thanks to my inbox. BUT I don't want to spend the next 10 days feeling behind, feeling a deep need to buy more things that are being daily shoved at me through my inbox and feeling like what I have bought/made isn't enough.

Anything I suggest on here is 99% things I am telling myself, but maybe these help you. I am not opposed to spending money on gifts, but I am opposed to unneeded pressure to spend unnecessary amounts all while inducing stress and taking away from other valuable parts of life.
So instead of frantic consuming, here are some other ideas to get creative and remain present:

In regard to PRESENTS:

• Make something: What are you crafty at? What can make that people on your list would enjoy? I am a big fan of the Sharpie Mug DIY option, custom photo projects (coasters, books, custom made frames, calendars), knitting/crocheting, custom woodwork, etc.
• Think in themes for a person: What do they love? Are they an avid movie watcher? Get them a cute bowl, popcorn kernels, seasonings, candy and movie tickets or an iTunes gift card for their apple TV. Do they love coffee? How about a fresh bag of beans, a new mug and a local coffee shop gift certificate?
• Make a plan: Make a list before you hit the stores or online shopping. Who is on your list? How much you can spend/do you want to spend? If I listen to all the marketing I feel like I need to spend more and give bigger items. Instead if I follow what is reasonable/doable for me I will spend intentionally and can feel good about what I choose. 
• Be Honest: If you can't afford what you'd like to get someone, that is ok. Tell them you'd love to be able to give them the ______ they want but this was what you were able to do. Remember, "It is the thought that counts."
• Do something fun: Find a local Groupon offer and gift it for a fun outing together. These are usually affordable and a great experiential gift!

In regard to PRESENCE:

• Treat someone to a warm beverage and take a walk through a fun neighborhood of lights.
• Make a homemade meal and invite friends or family over to celebrate together.
• Go ice skating! 
• Have a DIY night.
• Host a Christmas movie night.
• Prepare some treats and deliver them to your local Fire/Police station or homeless community.   

In this Advent season, remember what Christmas is truly about. Yes indeed, Jesus is the reason for the season (cheesy yet true) but whatever you believe, there really is more to Christmas than just spending more. Invite in more presence, more intentionality, more of what is you and less of what is thrown at you.  

Real Talk Tuesday: Pride driven success.

I want to be successful.

I have always been driven to do well. It has ups and downs but overall I like this side of me. But with a drive for success I am often fueled for more.

In my early 20s (shoot, saying things like confirm I am getting old) I was given/dumped on/acquired many different roles. From different parts of my job to volunteer roles to things I started/joined, people told me often that I was responsible, wise and capable beyond my years. I don't say that to brag. I think part of it was my sense of responsibility and part was the way people look for someone "capable" to give things to (or dump them on) and people who like achieving gladly say yes. Anyway, these roles fueled my success drive. I liked being responsible, leading, looked to and capable. So I grew in roles, took on extra ministry opportunities and said yes, a lot.

Fast forward to my late 20s...

I have a lot of different passions and desires. I have entrepreneurial ideas, dreams, random ideas. I get on kicks of starting something new, looking for a perfect job that is meaningful, making my business the full deal, starting a hand crafted shop, creating greater ways to connect with and help people, etc. The list goes on.

But I do not have one defined role right now. To me this feels less successful. I don't know what to say when people ask, "What do you do?". I do a mixture of things but none of them feel like "enough". I am not looked to as a leader in the ways I formerly was. I see people starting successful new businesses and creative ideas and I want to jump on the wagon. Inside my heart is screaming,
"I am capable! I have great ideas! I want to do awesome things! I want to be successful!"

This flares up and down. But when it flares up, I feel discontent. I feel irritable. I tell my husband about it and he encourages me a ton but he also calls me out. He points out that I shouldn't just want success for successes sake. I shouldn't feel like less just because my role doesn't look like it used to or like others'. And maybe my success is different than it was at 22. I might not be "ahead" for my age now, but that is ok.

There were great times in those seasons but I don't actually want it all back. I don't want to run around like crazy with multiple big roles, feel dumped on, feel only valued for my ability to do whatever is asked of me and lack balance. I don't want to be tied to my inbox all day responding to clients. I don't want to do things just to feel good about my level of success. I don't want my roles to be all about me.

I am not saying success is bad. I think it is so good. But I know, for me, I have to pay attention to what is fueling my desire for success. I have to notice if it is leading to pride and driving my decisions. Hopefully I'll learn a great balance of big dreams and big action accompanied by great humility and paying attention to God's leading. And the art of contentment.

So how do we work hard, achieve dreams and succeed with balance? I think we have to define some things and ask questions along the way, a lot. 

What is the WHY behind what I want?

What do I want to fuel my success? 

What does success look like for me? 

What are the triggers that success is about pride and becoming unhealthy? 

Am I defining success like I'm created for or like I see someone else living out? 

I hope these thoughts are encouraging, helpful and challenging. 

I'd love to hear your story or thoughts! 

Because I can't blog without photos, here are some photos... Representation of some of the roles I identify with. These are meaningful parts of my life.  But no matter the role, may I be present with my creator, those around me and opportunities.

No pants December = Dressember.

For the next 31 days I wont be wearing pants. Don't worry, I wont be naked. I will only be wearing dresses. Why? Here's a little background.

I'm not really a bandwagon-er. So when things are the "cool thing" to do, I tend to ignore them. Like Toms. I like what they're about but they were so "cool" all of a sudden and I just couldn't jump on the trend (no offense to Toms wearers at all). This is probably more of my pride. I've always liked to be original. There are plenty of things I like that are popular, I just don't like liking things just because they are cool.

So anyway... I've known about Dressember for a long time and I have been interested in participating. Dressember isn't about a dress but rather an opportunity to use our voice (and use something like a dress) to speak up for other women. Dressember is a way to raise money and advocacy. They partner with IJM and other anti-trafficking organizations to rescue women from slavery.

I am passionate about women (and all people) having worth and a voice. I've worked with women in the sex industry locally and in Las Vegas and my heart breaks for women who are trapped in these places. These reasons and others are why Dressember has caught my attention.

BUT I don't like jumping on the bandwagon.
This year I thoughts about joining the Dressember movement. Then I thought,
"Nah, I've got enough going on"
"I don't want people to think I am just doing this to be cool" and
"I don't want to be that person who just does all the trendy cause based things" and moved on.
And then I couldn't shake the thought...
"Nope! I need to get over myself. This is the stuff I care about and this matters to me."

I want to make a difference for those trapped in slavery. I want to speak up. I want my life to be about people mattering. I don't want to do things because they are cool and I don't want to avoid doing things because people might think I am trying to be cool.

I know what IJM is doing around the world is finding, speaking up for, rescuing and bringing value to people. I know I am about that and if I cannot do that personally, I want to do what I can.

So, I'm in. Dresses only for 31 days. To raise awareness and support. To be intentional. To speak up. To pay attention.

I've already been thinking a lot about this sacrifice.
I am kind of not excited because it is finally cold and I am all about a good pair of jeans and a sweater/scarf. It's comfortable, lazy and cozy. And I like it. But I am going to have to try a little harder ad I get dressed each day. And I know that is going to make me think about why I am doing this and how much these women matter. I am already thinking about how much they deserve much more than my sacrifice and I should get over myself.

So, here we go.
Happy December 1st.
Happy Dressember.

Be you, do you, let people matter.

To read more, donate or share - check out my page. I am on the Share and Do Good team and so stoked to partner with these ladies in this.

Thanks for reading this! I really appreciate it.

Are you doing Dressember? I want to hear about your journey!

Real Talk Tuesday: Opt Out(side).

Did you hear what REI is doing on Black Friday? THEY ARE CLOSED.

Yes, closed. On Black Friday... only one of the biggest shopping days of the year. AND they are paying their employees to GO OUTSIDE. They are closing ALL 143 stores and freeing their people to do what they are all about, the great outdoors.

When I received this email yesterday I was so stoked for a few reasons. I am not a black friday shopper. Actually, I am not much of a shopper in itself so add crazy lines, psycho people fighting over a deal and manufactured consumerism and I am out. I just can't hang. So I think it is awesome. Another reason I am stoked is because of the bold move a company is making to choose a different value. Amazing! This big move from REI speaks so loudly in many ways beyond shopping. 

Black Friday has become a holiday. Forget Thanksgiving. Let's make stores open on Thanksgiving and be open 24 hours while were at it. Let's promote crazy deals so people think they can't possibly miss out on this occasion. Forget a day with family. Forget going out of town. Forget a day off work to connect with nature. Forget shopping any of the other days available. CONSUME as much as you can, as quick as you can. It is stressful and you might get trampled but hey, it's fun!

It didn't start this way. Stores weren't always open. Stores weren't always open crazy hours. But each year had to top the one prior. Deals were added. Hours were even crazier. More and more people have to work this over the top occasion. And more and more people consume for themselves in unnecessary ways because "I can't miss this great deal."

Ok, so what am I getting at? I think REI's choice to say that their passion for people to experience what happens when you spend time in nature matters more than making a ton of money on Black Friday is a good slap in the face for us. I don't blame them for being on board with black friday in the past but I commend them for evaluating and choosing something different now. Little by little culture has created a phenomenon in black friday and maybe we need to make a big choice to value differently. This is a call to evaluate, ask questions and maybe choose better.

This just makes me think about other areas in our lives.

Where have we let small things creep in and eventually take over?

Are the things I say I value evident in the way I live my life?

What incremental changes have slowly become a new way of life? Maybe a not so good one?
For me/us it is things like:

• Passively choosing experiences via social media versus being engaged in real life and with the people that matter most
• Allowing a harsh tone and not so nice words to be regular in our marriage
• Having less and less room for God in our lives with all the distractions we place value on
• Moving from being content with our small home to feeling like I "need" more like other people have

There are so many things I could list about how I think our culture/generation needs a wake up a call, but I'll leave it at things I know for myself. I think REI's choice to do something drastic and in stark contrast of the expected for a large retail company is challenging us where we need to do the same.

"Thousands of tired, nerve-shaken, over-civilized people are beginning to find out that going to the mountains is going home." -John Muir

This quote speaks to me and an ongoing desire to have more access to the mountains. Maybe it isn't the mountains for you. What does going home feel like for you? Where might you need to return to this comforting, valuable state?

Maybe it is picking up the phone to connect with a long time friend.
Maybe it is choosing to leave your phone in the other room while you share quality time with someone.
Maybe it is choosing to engage your hobby/passion in your free time.
Maybe it is being willing to dream. And pursue that dream.
Maybe it is choosing to seek help in an area of life that is occupied by a struggle, grief or addiction.
Or maybe it is making time for something/someone you love despite how busy life is.

Whatever it might be, I am reminded we have a choice. If an important area has lost value in your life, make a shift. If something is missing, pursue it.

Sometimes we have to challenge the things that have become normal and seem good.
Choosing something crazy like closing your retail stores on black friday is risky (All good things are, right?). You might lose profit. You might disappoint. You might get ridiculed. BUT you might find peace. You might reconnect with something so valuable to you. You might challenge others to return to something so good. You just might win.

Wherever it is, let's go home.

I am totally in for the REI get outside campaign. The Friday after Thanksgiving usually looks like Thanksgiving with the Stoicu side and some time near the Kern River. This is good for our souls.

(Make your own OptOut image here)

Real Talk Tuesday: Justice, anger, forgiveness.

I don’t know if you relate to this, but I have this strong sense of justice in me. And I have a pretty good ability to read people. So that means I often times spot something unhealthy, deceptive or inauthentic and my strong sense of justice flairs up. Y’all, this often times comes out in anger. Especially when I see that a behavior is harmful (to that person or those around them).
I like to call this righteous anger. Ya know the, “But that is not ok and I am rightly mad about it” kind? The, “I need to speak up, defend, put a stop to this” kind.

Honestly, I love this about me. But it is a curse too. I am passionate, feisty, a fighter, intentional, willing to do what is hard when needed.. But often times those things that can be good come out in unhealthy anger, being upset over things that are not my battle, and resentment. Have you heard the phrase “Not forgiving someone is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die”? I get it. Staying upset, resenting someone and carrying around bitterness is not awesome. But we’ve all been hurt. Some of us, really deeply. Some hurts have been ongoing. Some hurts were sudden and detrimental. Some hurts are not fully recognized but rotting away at us.

So, how do we balance justice, anger and forgiveness? Let’s break these down.

Justice: "a concern for justice, peace, and genuine respect for people”.
The next definition mentions Fairness. I am all about fair. My husband has heard me say, “It just isn’t fair” so many times. And I feel it deeply. When people are totally disrespectful to me or others, I get so frustrated. When I see people overlooked, treated poorly, taken advantage of, I can’t just stand by. When people see themselves as worthless it breaks my heart. My heart is for people and while I love young people and young women, I’ve never been able to totally narrow it down to a certain age or group. But I do know that when anyone needs defending, I am all in. When someone is isolated, abused, defeated, discouraged… I want to do what I can. I can’t tell you how many people I have seen crying and awkwardly approached to see if they are ok and if I can help.

But synonyms for Justice include: fair-mindedness, equity, evenhandedness, impartiality, objectivity, neutrality, disinterestedness, honesty, morality.

I often times give myself freedom to be angry, intense, irrational; all in the name of justice. Looking at what justice really looks like, I can’t help but think I’ve made it something of my own. Sometimes a whisper speaks louder than a shout. Calm, honest communication can be such a barrier remover. I am challenged in the way I defend. Right now, this looks a lot like how I defend myself... How I scream for justice when my husband hurts me. How I am processing some other hurts and lack of forgiveness towards some people/situations I’ve experienced recently. How I so easily get angered by injustices other people are facing. I want to take action! But maybe I need to step back and respond differently. Be objective, clear headed, neutral. This feels tough sometimes and please hear me that there are so many injustices that are UNACCEPTABLE. So many people I know have been deeply wounded in completely unfair ways. Life is hard and people make bad choices. I am not dismissing anyone’s pain, hurt or experience. But more so challenging myself to step back and pause before releasing my all out, “Oh HELL no!” side.

Anger: a strong feeling of annoyance, displeasure, or hostility.
"Righteous anger is typically a reactive emotion of anger over perceived mistreatment, insult, or malice. It is akin to what is called the sense of injustice."
I see a small but defining difference. Righteous anger is rooted in defense for mistreatment. I see a desire for good. Anger speaks of hostility. I read something this morning that defined hate as "cherished animosity".
I allow myself to be hostile and annoyed. And I think there is an acceptable level of that. But there’s a line somewhere and I think it has to do with the condition of our heart. And therefor how we act.
Example: SoCal traffic. I very quickly can assume the worst about someone who has cut me off and is driving stupid. My tone changes, I say not nice words and speak fury about how unacceptable their behavior is. On the other hand, my husband dismisses it, moves on, gives grace, isn't angered. What is necessary? What is good? What is the heart beneath it?

Forgiveness: the action or process of forgiving or being forgiven; mercy, pardon. 
I don't believe in "Forgive and Forget." I believe in a process of release, healing and grace. But we are not called to bury, ignore, pretend we're fine and carry on.
A mentor recently shared a breakdown of forgiveness with me that was so helpful. It was so freeing to know forgiveness is beyond saying, "I forgive you" and everything being good again.

There are 3 parts to the process:

1. Forgiveness: Between a person & God. A choice to not hold the person responsible. This doesn't mean we were not wronged or our pain is invalid. It just means it is not in our hands to punish them. We can hand the process over to God.
2. Reconciliation: Two people agreeing on the offense. This isn't always possible. It might not be wise or healthy to engage this. Sometimes we do part 1 and move forward in healing. Sometimes this part can happen. And if so, we move onto part 3. 
3. Trust: Two people agree + demonstrated change over time. This is where we can reenter into relationship with the offender. It's not always healthy to just forgive and go back to where the relationship was. But, it is possible. It is a process. And it takes two. 

I don't know about you but this was so healing for me. I often times feel I am in the wrong and think I haven't forgiven if I still don't trust someone and don't wish to reengage.  But now I can breakdown a situation and decide what process is possible, necessary, good. But, this is also removes my freedom to say I have forgiven but still hold the person responsible, talk poorly about them or hold a grudge. I have to hand it over to God and move forward. I can still have a boundary with a person, but the condition of my heart changes through forgiveness.

So, there's some real talk for you based on something that's been on my mind/heart, stuff Charles and I have been processing and just good old life lessons.

I don't know what helps you process anger or tough situations but for me it is usually solid time journaling with a good cup of coffee, long venting/talks with my husband or a trusted friend or time outside in nature.

Welcome to the process.

I hope you find relief, comfort and a sense of healing today.