Tuesday, September 1, 2015

Cultivate + Create | part two

In the past ten months I have done A LOT of processing on what happens next in my life. Specifically how I spend my time (read: a form of work). I've had times of lack of interest. I've run through interest in so many things. I've started applying for jobs. I missed the cutoff for the first job I actually felt stoked for. I've wanted to have margin to do ministry with my husband. I've felt defeated in that. I've wanted to pursue my creative side (photography) as a more front running thing. I've wanted to just not make a decision. I've gotten really excited and then I've felt totally unmotivated (in the matter of one weekend). I wanted margin and then the lack of clarity was hard. Most of this has been influenced by what I feel I am supposed to do.

But. I am so thankful for this time. I've wrestled with my own doubts, insecurities, passions and ability to be present. I've had a lot of really good, supportive, "me too" conversations. I have had time to grab lunch or coffee with great people. I've enjoyed grocery shopping. I've made our home more homey.

But maybe the most important thing is that I've reconnected with me.

I am following God's lead into a rhythm of cultivating who I am, a presence in where he has me and exploring without restraint the creativity he has put within me. What does this mean? I am not totally sure but but you have to start somewhere, right?

I've fought off the idea of having a separate Facebook, Instagram, etc. for my photography and other ventures. It's like the cool thing... have a space where you get a lot of likes for making yourself look good. Now, I am not totally opposed to that concept. I know that is smart business and marketing. The part I struggle with is everyone creating a space to be known for something. Like we all have to be entrepreneurs with some start up non-profit or creative business. We are not ALL called to that. And I don't want to give in to that notion.

But here I find myself, telling you I have created Cultivate + Create on Instagram and I will utilize this blog space as well. I don't really know if it will last and how it will play out but here's why I am choosing this...
I have spent a lot of my like forcing myself to function a certain way due to different job requirements or commitments I have said yes to. I have sacrificed much of my creative/people loving side to do "important" things (my own problem here) and downplayed much of what gets me pumped.

Now I want to undo that (much due to the needed push from my husband). I want a space where I can freely foster my own creativity, thoughts and learnings without flooding my other platforms with this journey (we all know there's so much out there we don't care to follow). I want my personal instagram account to remain daily life kinda things. This Cultivate + Create space will be stories, words of my journey and learnings, photography, things I create, things I see as pretty and things that I feel the nudge to share.

I need to do this for me. I don't want to annoy people who aren't interested in this journey on my personal IG feed but I want a space where cultivation flows freely. Also, I don't want this to be about how many followers, likes or comments that I get and Charles will be here to keep me in check. But, maybe it is a place you find beauty, encouragement or relate to. That would make me excited! Maybe you are not interested at all and that is ok. That's the point. If people want to follow along, great. If not, I want to be good with that. I want this to be about exploration, connection with others and a free space to let myself wander. And to see what God has in store.

I was just at The Yellow Conference and one of the speakers talked about how we have to write and share our gifts despite the fact that someone is better than us. There's a lot of people who know more, take better pictures and do cooler things than I do. BUT there are also people out there who I know might will find encouragement, hope or something beautiful when I stop downplaying and start living fully in who I am.

Today's disclaimer: I hope none of this sounds prideful but rather speaks of less restraint on who I am and more freedom to simply be. 

Thanks for reading. Thanks for being my people and support.

Go and BE YOU.

2 comments:

Iftekhar Ahmed said...

I must appreciate the way you have expressed your feelings through your blog!
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Asad Hanif said...

Really appreciate this post. It’s hard to sort the good from the bad sometimes, but I think you’ve nailed it! Local Business Optimization in Pakistan