Cultivate + Create | part one

I recently tried really hard to grow sunflowers. Tried meaning they didn't make it. It started so well...

I planted these cute little seeds and within a couple weeks they were sprouting up through the soil. It was so gratifying. I just watered them on the way out every day and they kept growing, a lot! They grew super tall super fast. Within a month or so they were 3 feet tall! I realized they needed a bigger pot so I successfully transplanted them into a bigger home. My sweet neighbor was willing to care for my babies while we went to Kenya and she did a great job. I came home and they were a foot taller. But then things got ugly. One of the two took a turn for the worst and began to die. I figured the pot was too small for both of them. So I removed the dead one hoping the remaining would continue to thrive. But it also got weak and began to droop. I did some research and my pot didn't have a way to drain. I was drowning my flower! So Charles willingly drilled holes in the bottom hoping it wouldn't die. But, it did. Charles asked to get rid of it but I held on, hoping it would make a come back. But it didn't. It drooped over and a nasty spider made its home around it every morning. And then I had to face the music and get rid of it.

What does this have to do with anything other than proving I'm not a pro gardener? Cheesy as this may sound,  I relate to the sunflowers a lot (as Charles pointed out during a conversation when I felt insecure and asked him to proof my blog). I've been doing a lot processing this year. Maybe this all comes with then end of a decade (what???) or a fresh start but I see a lot of similarities.

• A pot that is too small: I have spent plenty of time in a space not suitable to thrive. I've said yes to things that didn't bring out the best of me. I've stuck with something that didn't bring out the best in me for too long. I've felt like I should say yes to the thing that's good, productive or responsible. I've overlooked unhealthy boundaries; I've downplayed my creative & people loving desires and I've withered slowly. 
• Flooded & no room to drain: I have spent too much time taking too much on. I like to say yes. I like to be helpful. I like to be needed. I like to move fast. But too much of something good can be bad. And too much of something bad can get real ugly. I've sat in both. I've been overwhelmed, felt misaligned and been confused about my value in multiple season of my life. 
• I've needed to admit it was dead: It being an unhealthy environment. It being something I didn't love. It simply being time to move on and trust God's nudging. It being a feeling that my passions aren't worthwhile.

It is weird. In ways and for seasons I haven't cared too much what people think. I've been very much my own person and loved that. And in other ways I've been very concerned with what is considered "good" in other people's eyes, what culture says is valuable and my own pressures. This has played a role in decisions I make, how long I stick with commitments, what I post on social media, how I do my hair, how I feel when I meet new people, etc. I mean, I think we all struggle with this in some form. And I am sure I will continue to. But I don't want that struggle to win.

Disclaimer: I hope this doesn't sound like a downer. In all of these seasons I have had so much good too! So much learning, so many great relationships, a ton of stretching experiences and a lot of seeking God's wisdom. This "part one" is more on the reflection of some of the withering parts. I know a brief blog to capture a big concept and season of life may not make complete sense so feel free to ask questions or connect on the topic.

Up next: After some reflection on the above, what now?