Friday, March 15, 2019

Happy birthday, little one.

As they say, "How in the world is my baby one?".

It's just another day yet he is ONE. It is surreal and significant and yet time just keeps going.

I so deeply want to sit here and process; to write eloquently about my experience and reflect on this past year but where do I even start?

We have shared 365 days together. It has been a big year.
One whole year of: learning, worrying, adapting, not sleeping, joy, love, growth, bonding and so much more.

They also say, "Just as you figure them out, they change." This feels 1000% true. Just when I had adapted and just when we got into a groove, BAM... Sleep regression, teething, cold, cold, dropping a nap, leap, ear infection, regression, feeding real meals, new breastfeeding rhythm, tantrums, learning to be mobile and getting hurt.. the list goes on.

There are so many directions I  could go... What I have learned about myself in becoming a mother, what I have learned about nurturing a tiny human, how many conflicting "truths" and options there are to sort through on how to raise a child, how my marriage has grown and deepened, how community has changed, what owning a business as a mom looks like, how God has shown up and molded me AND SO ON. Maybe there will be more posts on more topics but for now, how we've grown.

My how we've grown.
You were 7 pounds 4 ounces and 20 inches of love (read our birth story here). As they say, I    absolutely cannot believe you were ever that tiny. What a different one year and 15 pounds makes.
Before seeing or holding you your Papa proclaimed with such joy and honor that you were a boy, our son!
You arrived and we bonded right away. What a miracle that within moments of leaving the womb you knew just how to eat.
Everything was new for all three of us. Everything.
Days were so long and yet suddenly you were one month, six months and now a year old.
Papa took such good care of me so I could spend so much time feeding and snuggling you. You napped on our chests and fit so perfectly. That first month was full of rain, cozy gloom and slowness. Days were simple and we did all we could to soak up this fleeting and special season with you. Some of it is such a blur and some of it is still so real. I am so thankful for the six weeks we were simply together before Papa went back to work. I  saw new sides of him that evolved as he settled into his new role as father that deepened my love for him in new ways.

I struggled a lot with worry. What a significant blessing I have been entrusted with. And it turns out the internet is a dark whole of conflicting chaos and fears mixed with community, encouragement and wisdom. Thanks to your Papa and wise friends I found balance, empathy and support. This is a continual process. I now know as a parent I am in for a lifetime of things to worry about but God has shown up with such gentle reminders that I can lean in and trust His plan for you and for us. This will be a continual lesson, too.

I am so thankful for our breastfeeding journey. What a journey of commitment, physical depletion, joy, bonding and love. For so long it seemed like all we would do. Now it's a sweet, short connection in our day. It once was something I would fret over - the schedule, the amount you were eating, being away from you for too long.. but now it is a free flowing rhythm we've settled into so well (minus the current biting). Bottles, the pump and all it's pieces are now packed away. We used the last bit of frozen milk just before your birthday. I can't believe these elements are now in the past.

I  am so thankful for the people who have come alongside us. I've considered myself pretty good at tackling new things and figuring out how to do them well. You are not a thing and I certainly have not figured this all out. But that has brought me such rich support from so many. Lots of messages shared, questions asked, encouragement given and received, empathy expressed and connections deepened as I  journey further into motherhood. This would not be possible alone.

I  had no idea how much you would change in one year. I had no idea you would go from such a tiny, completely dependent newborn to such a strong, fun, independent little man. Of course, you still need me and want to be near me at most times but you venture off to explore, play independently and show us your personality. You blow me away daily.

I  had no idea how much I would change in one year. I had no idea how becoming a mother would stretch me. I had no idea I could be so exhausted, so in love, so unsure of myself and also so certain I    am who I  need to be for who you are. I  didn't know how much I  didn't know. And I still don't.

We both have so much to learn.
What I do know is I will do my absolute best to love you to the fullest of my capacity. To stretch, grow, adapt and learn as we enter each part of this journey. I will fail. I will mess up. I will disappoint us both. But I sure hope we encounter these moments with grace, deep breaths and that same love. I    will pray, pray, pray. For you, for your future, for the way we raise you, for the world around you and the impact you will have (and it will have on you) and so much more. These are declarations that will be tested and I won't always hold to like I wish I could. But I hope you know above everything else how incredibly loved you are.

There is a whole lot of harsh in this world but there is a whole lot more amazing. May our home always be a warm, nurturing and loving place to land. A place that points to a deeper love continually.

As I finally finish this you are closer to 13 months than 12.
You are so close to walking.
You are dancing.
You are strong in your opinions and feelings.
Your snuggles are the best.
There is nothing like your laugh.
You love dirt, mud and rocks and only want to be outside.
You are the cutest baby ever (said every parent ever).

We are so thankful for you!
You have changed us forever.
We love YOU!
Here's to year TWO.

These monthly moments bring all the feels.

No comments: